Today marks 1 year since crashing and getting the head injury that has defined the last year of my life.
The last year has been the hardest year of my life. There is roughly a 6 week hole In my memory. There were times when I thought I would never be able to race bikes again. There were occasions where I thought that I wouldn’t make it to being 18. It took nearly dying by going head first through the rear window of a car for me to begin to be happy again and have some positivity in my life once again. I was so relieved to be alive and it allowed me to regain a sense of perspective of the things that are important in my life. For a couple weeks I was genuinely happy once more.
As school started after lock down I went in with the very best of intentions and with the goal of surviving the day. I couldn’t achieve this and it was ruining my training and everything started to go down hill. I lost all hope. I became petrified of my self and what I would do to myself. I didn’t trust my self at all. On an almost daily basis I was terrified that I would jump off the bridge that I walked over to get to and from school or just step in front of a bus and end it all. I had no hope. It was my lowest point. I’d get home from school most days and just curl up and cry relived that I had made it home alive. I was terrified of being alone all day in my head again once exams were finished because despite school being awful I felt safe from myself there.
Winning the Oddown Easter classic as well as coming 10th at Chitterne RR in mid April was a real turning point for me. I was suicidal far less often and had much more belief in myself. My performance at school was improving and I was able to get 2Cs and an E in my A levels. For the first time since crashing I was genuinely happy in my self again. That has continued and I think I am a genuinely more positive and relaxed person than I was before crashing
Thank you to my wonderful girlfriend Abigail she looked after me and was always there for me, even when I had lost all hope of recovery and wanted her to leave me because I didn’t want to ruin her life, there were many days when she was the only light in my darkness and I wouldn’t be alive today without her. I love you.
The support from my team, My coach Henry , Mark and the rest of the pedalpotential team, the doctors and my family was really helpful, thank you very much all of you.
I am really excited for the races I have coming up in the rest of the season and for next season as a first year u23 and the challenges that come with that. The dream and goal of becoming a professional cyclist and being payed to do the sport I adore lives on.
